It was the late Randy Meeks RIP in Scream 1996 who sets the rules for surviving a horror movie. You can never have sex. You can never drink or do drugs, and you can never, ever, ever under any circumstances say “I’ll be right back.”
Now Randy, God rest his soul, made some really good points there! And yet, he’s still dead. So I would wager there is more to it than that. I have watched an unholy amount of horror films, played a unhealthy amount of horror games, and survived living in a real haunted house (and you have the right to believe the last part is bullshit because I would if I were you!) Given that, and my so far continuing lifespan, I would argue I have some understanding of surviving some horrors! So let’s dive in to what you must NOT do in order to survive a horror film with your life and your pants intact.
DO NOT….
1. Split up
YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING!
It’s the most obvious mistake made in horror films. “Let’s split up and cover more ground” = “Let’s make it easy for the supernatural nutter to pick us off one by one”. Who’s side are you on, huh? If you say dumb shit like this and somehow keep surviving, I’ll be giving you the side eye for sure, because if you’re not dead, you’re in on it.
2. Answer the phone
You know something weird is happening and people are dying. You keep getting weird calls with static and breathing. Or you hear about the legend of the ghost who curses you through the phone. When that phone rings, you know what you do? Let it go to voicemail. We ain’t got time for that. Let’s take the fun out of their sport shall we 🙂
3. Say “Hello” when you hear a noise in your house
What on earth are you gaining from doing this?! You’ve just told whatever is in there that a) they aren’t alone (if they were a thief, they might attack you) and b) your exact location. You might as well be shouting “Hey Ghostface! Kitchen, next to the kettle. Fancy a brew?”
4. Knock back when you hear a knocking noise and you’re home alone
Please explain the logic in hearing creepy noises in your new home, that aren’t coming from a person you know, and knocking back. What good can possibly come from this? My advice, you hear a knocking, put your headphones on and listen to music. A bit of light jazz. Maybe some rock. And then move out. Don’t encourage it. It doesn’t want your friendship, it wants your soul.
5. Go in the mountains/up the hill/in the woods/to the asylum etc when the weirdo gas station employee tells you it’s not a good idea to go in the mountains/up the hill/in the woods/to the asylum etc
I don’t know how much more obvious it gets. If even the resident weirdo giving you goosebumps and creeping you out is telling you not to go somewhere, that is your sign to not fucking go. Do you know how many horror movie deaths you avoid by just not going? Wrong Turn, Cabin Fever, House of 1000 Corpses, Until Dawn etc are all horror zones you avoid by just changing your mind and going to a spa! Heed the creep, for once it’ll actually save your life.
6. Move into a haunted house
The house is dirt cheap in a cost of living crisis….. It’s ghosts at best. Demons at worst. It only leads to death and despair! Look at The Grudge, Sinister, The Conjuring. You can’t enjoy your dirt cheap house when the ghosts within have murdered you and you are trapped in there or perhaps in hell for the rest of eternity to pay for your very stupid mistake.
7. Ignore the dog’s reaction
If the dog ain’t having it, you shouldn’t be having it. And if you stay anyway and get the dog killed, then you deserve what’s coming.
8. Take a bath
In any horror movie, baths are murder magnets. Better to stink and live, than have your jaw ripped off by a mirror ghost or be pulled under the water to drown. Stay dirty folks.
9. Go in the basement
Oh no, the power mysteriously went out for no good reason after weird things were happening! I know, I’ll go down there with no shoes on (have you seen Home Alone?), with just a candle, all by myself, and see what turned the power off at the fuse box! You know what is a great source of light? The headlights of your car. Get the fuck out, or go down in large numbers, outnumber the demon and maybe batter him with a crucifix.
10. Get it on….
Keep it in your fucking pants if you want to live. That’s all.
11. Agree to any challenge where it’s “survive X and win £1,000,000!”
You’re not going to win, and if you do, it’s with severe emotional and I expect physical damage. You may even be asked to slice your eye open with a razor blade like in “Would You Rather”….. do you want that?
12. Go on your own to pee, especially if it’s in an old cabin and the bog is outside the property
You have just nominated yourself to be the first victim! It’s one of the few places where we are at our most vulnerable, pants round the ankles preventing running, no time to wipe. Don’t do that, if only to avoid a most undignified death.
13. Get bitten and tell no one
Don’t be that prick. Tell your family, cut your arm off and hope for the best. Be like Shaun’s mum in “Shaun of the Dead” or the dad in “28 Days Later” and protect the people you love.
14. Be the one who proudly and loudly states they don’t believe in ghosts
You’re going to piss the ghost off and be the first to get yeeted into the ceiling fan. Respect the ghost and give yourself time to get out of there.
15. Hide in the most obvious place
We all know where they are and it’s the first place anyone will look. Climb a fucking tree goddamn it.
16. Barricade the door and then press your face against it
Just in case you weren’t aware, axes will go through that. And not only will they go through it, but they’ll go through it and then straight through your skull! Barricade and back up bitch!
17. Ignore the creepy kid
He’s talking in an adult voice? Does he sound demonic? Or does he just like to stand over you while you’re sleeping with a knife in hand? Get him to the exorcist priest and throw him in the holy water.
18. Take a “shortcut” that goes through the woods
Oh it’s foggy and you can’t see shit? That’s ok, just call someone…..oh no, can’t do that, no signal here. Exactly you dumb idiot. Take the motorway with the delays and the traffic any time because otherwise you’re about to get Wrong Turned.
19. Treat anyone with disrespect
Those local guys you just insulted? Coming to your holiday cabin to kill you. That lady you denied an extension to on her payments so she loses her home? She’s gonna curse you. Do you want a toothless old lady sucking on your chin because you were heartless and cruel?
20. Touch the weird stuff
You know what I mean. The Ouija board? Leave it alone. That book written in human blood with an incantation in it? Don’t read it. That tape reading out the incantation? Don’t play it. Don’t heed my warnings and you’ve got yourself a date with Henrietta in the basement. And she wants to swallow your soul.
21. Assume the killer is dead
If you’re asking if the killer is dead, I suggest you take notes from our gal Trish from Jeepers Creepers. “They never are”. Then run over their head another 10 times to be sure. Also, remember, that’s not a scarecrow….
22. Be terrified of it
Take further notes from our frenemies Pennywise, Freddy Krueger (at least the first film) and even the creeper above and remember that when you remove the fear, they can’t harm you. Pennywise and Freddy lose their power and the Creeper can’t smell any good organs on you. Remember, they don’t know you. You may be far more terrifying than they are…..
23. Be slow
From the looks of it Michael Myers can’t even run. Zombies can’t run (except those in 28 Days Later). Get your cardio in and outrun those fools
24. Do something shitty that hurts someone
They may come back to haunt you. And if that wasn’t bad enough, they may even give you a bad back….. If you know, you know…..
25. Listen to the premonition
Yup, this one is going to surprise you. If I’ve learned anything from Final Destination it is whatever death you were originally going to get is a lot better than whatever death you’re going to get now you’ve pissed off Death. And given we have only 1 survivor from the whole franchise, it’s game over. So take the L, sit your arse down, and hope you lived a good and full life. Because if you haven’t, you better start now in case you end up in the next premonition.
We should live by the late Tony Todd’s incredible words: “I intend to enjoy the time I have left. And I suggest you do the same. Life is precious. Enjoy every single second. You never know when… Good luck.”
And that’s the list!
If you think I missed anything, please let me know! And stay safe out there…..
